


Aren't You Dead?

by ImagineAvengers



Category: MCU, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-05-13 08:21:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19247419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImagineAvengers/pseuds/ImagineAvengers





	1. Chapter 1

It was a gift given from a higher authority somewhere that your sense of direction had been scattered and your senses had been stripped away to nearly nothing.  The sounds around you were heavy and muted, like a dense fog over a river on a cold morning.  Your body was filling with a chill reminiscent of it, with an ache deep in your bones, and had you not known the terror around you first-hand, you might have tried to hide yourself away in the façade of your own imagination just to feel as if you may survive this.

 

“You must get up,” came a voice from beyond the security your mind had been trying to create.  “The escape vessels are about to disembark and you must be on one.  (Y/N), I said, get up!”

 

Fires raged all around you, but your body remained cold.  Maybe it was your heritage that spared you from the heat, being genetically half frost giant and all, or maybe it was the start of the end and you considered welcoming it.  It would be so much easier than what you were about to open your stinging eyes to, to see the hell beyond the soot that coated them.

 

“W-where…where’s Loki?” you managed to choke out, barely audible over the slaughter.

 

“He’s with Thor, holding Thanos and the Order back so that we can escape, so do not dare make their efforts be done in vain.”

 

“I cannot leave without him.” It was expected that you would be one to argue at a time like this, when arguments were irrational and irrelevant, but if this would be the end of Asgard, the other half of your lineage, then you couldn’t abandon any of it now.  You could never abandon him.

 

“He insists-“

 

You pushed up on your elbows to try to position yourself to stand and face the man who dared to challenge you, but you could barely get that far much less entertain the idea that your legs would support you.  The large pool of blood that you had found yourself lying in was your own, and it was the rapid loss that was confusing your thoughts now.  “I don’t care…what he insists…”

 

“Well, you also cannot move, so the choice is no longer yours,” the man commanded, turning to someone nearby. “Lift her.”

 

“No, put me down!”  you tried, feeling as is if you were putting out effort despite the immobility of your limbs.  “I have to stay behind!  If he dies…then I must be with him!  It is my right…I order you…I order…you…” you faded out, eyes rolling back in your head and your body succumbing to the traumas of battle and giving your friend a fleeting sense of relief that you were at least unable to argue any further.

 

Once he was secure in seeing you carried onto the escape ship to join the others, knowing that he could assure Loki that you were safe, Heimdall gave a final nod to the guard and watched the door close.  The ship jettisoned and shot out into the blackness of space, towards any planet that would take them, the final remnants of a people who had already lost nearly everything.  If Thor and Loki didn’t survive this today, those people would need a leader, and it would have to be you.

 

**_Five Years After Endgame_ **

 

Over five years had passed since that day, when a snap that had erased half of the universe was reversed by another that brought it all back, but one thing that it couldn’t do was to return Loki to life so that he could join you once again.  There was a part of you that had dreamt of this being just another one of his tricks, leaving you all to think him dead when he was simply off living another life; it wouldn’t be completely unheard of.  But in your heart, you knew that he stood at his brother’s side in his final moments, and Loki had changed; the man you had watched walk into that fight was no longer one who could do that to you. 

 

It was Thor who had brought the two of you together, finding you at the other end of the hammer as you fought viciously against him on Jotunheim.  Even in those first moments of heated rage, he could sense something different about you, and there was no way that he could shake the feeling that you were not meant to be there. 

 

He was right.  You were of both realms, a hybrid that had never before been created, and Asgard would be the only home that could give you a way to reconcile the battle being fought within your own mind and body.  You needed the only other person who could come close to understanding, and as it would turn out, he needed you just as much.

 

But it had been too long now; Loki was gone, and Thor had returned to space to travel with the Guardians once the universe had been restored.  With the loss of Romanoff and Stark he felt no desire to remain with what was left of the Avengers, but you felt no desire to go with him.  So, you stayed behind with the team, taking his vacancy there while fully refusing to rule New Asgard in his place.  That was never meant to be your life, and to this day you still felt betrayed by Heimdall that he hadn’t known you better as to think that it could have been.

 

Not every day with the Avengers was filled with missions and adventures, but that was welcomed from time to time.  Today was not one of those days, however, and you were filling with a building anxiety and restlessness to do anything that meant escaping the dreary gray walls that were starting to crush you under their confinement.

 

“I’m going into the city for the day,” you announced to anyone within ear shot.  “Anyone need me to pick up anything?”  
  


“Would you mind if I joined you?” Wanda perked up immediately.  “I haven’t been away from this building in far too long.”

 

You didn’t have the heart to tell her that your offer was barely legitimate to begin with, but she looked so desperate for you to agree that you suddenly found yourself with a travel mate. “Sure, I’m just heading there to kill some time and clear my head.  Not sure what I’m going to actually do there yet.”

 

“That’s fine, I would welcome even a walk in a new landscape.  I’ve walked these grounds so many times that the joy is gone from it.”  Wanda felt a shift in your demeanor as she prepared to join you, and it came to her that she may have mistaken your intent and was now overstepping.  “If times comes that you want to be alone, just tell me.  I won’t take offense, I promise.”

 

“Noted,” you nodded curtly, forcing a smile as you raised a hand for her to lead the way to the garage.

 

“So, you’re feeling stuck in purgatory too?” Wanda smiled gently as she passed by.  “I thought it was only me.”

 

~~~

 

Three hours of walking the crowded sidewalks of Manhattan led you into Central Park, where after two slices of pizza each, Wanda felt it was time to take her leave and to let you have the opportunity to make peace with the solitude your mind was craving.  You had actually been enjoying her company more than you had expected to, with the incessant voices in every direction bothering you, only to find that hers soothed you and helped you to stay centered amongst the chaos.

 

“I’ll meet you at home,” she announced.  “I’ll ask everyone what they’d like for dinner.  I’ve neglected to cook in so long since there aren’t as many of us there now, and I’ll likely make far too much, but it will be fun to cook for us again.”

 

You nodded along with her words, agreeing that the dinner table was sparse; you hadn’t known it when the team was at its peak capacity but you knew that Sam had stored away quite a few chairs from the dining room table to make it less obvious.  The thought of Sam made your mind wander, only to ask an unlikely question.  “Do we invite Steve?  I’m sure that Buck and Sam wouldn’t mind heading over to Brooklyn to get him.”

 

“Perhaps, but it sounds like he’s been avoiding much travel at all.  It’s harder for him to do now.”

 

“Right.  I keep thinking of him as the younger Cap.”

 

“We all do.  Sometimes I swear that I see Natasha or Tony in another room, in my periphery, but of course, they’re not there.”

 

“Same here,” you readily agreed. “When we first arrived on Midgard, I swear that I saw Loki.   But I know that’s impossible.  The Statesman was completely obliterated and Thor was the final survivor.  Oh, wow,” you sighed heavily, “our minds really can be cruel, can’t they?”

 

“Yes, very cruel indeed.” 

 

As if with perfect timing, and again as if some higher deity was toying with you, there was a man standing on the far side of the park from where you stood, his likeness uncannily like Loki.  Shaking your head as if to clear the illusion from it, you looked again, only to have the same realization that there was someone there, and you had to get a closer look.  “I’ll meet you at home soon,” you said, “I don’t think I’ll be much longer here.”

 

Her sight followed your eyeline as you spoke, but she had no idea what or who had caught your attention so tightly.  “(Y/N)? What do you see?  If you believe there to be trouble of some kind-“

 

“No, it’s not that at all,” you hurried to cover, “I just remembered something that I have to do. Go on, I’ll be home in time to help you cook.”

 

You stood firmly and waited, watching her turn and leave until she was completely out of your sights so that she wouldn’t be looking back to see what you were doing.  If you were wrong about this, it probably wouldn’t be a big deal, really; but if you were right…then a new kind of hell could be about to open up.

 

Approaching the man who hadn’t moved barely an inch since you spotted him, you moved up behind him and gently set your hand on his arm, prompting him to turn around and face you full-on, leaving you no doubt once and for all as to who it was that you were actually seeing.  He wore a different face to cover his identity, but you could see beyond that, and the voice was to be unmistakable.  Had you not needed to speak the name so desperately, you might have been rendered completely mute at the pure shock of who was now looking back.

 

“Loki?”


	2. Chapter 2

The shock that you were carrying on your expression was fully reciprocated, and he nearly stumbled back and away from you as if your very presence was causing him excruciating, physical pain.  The touch of your skin against his burned him, not only superficially but deep within his soul, which he didn’t even know that he still had.  “Ex-excuse me?”

 

“It’s you, isn’t it?” you pressed forward, inciting another step back from him.  “Drop the illusion and let me see you.”

 

“I-I certainly don’t know what…what you mean…”

 

“Don’t play games with me, Loki. Not after everything that’s happened. Let me see you.”

 

He looked around at the crowds of the park around the both of you, finding them sparse enough to possibly grant your wish, but so much had happened that he worried that a single misstep could tip the scales the wrong way once again.  “I can’t,” he shook his head emphatically, speaking now in a hush, “the risk is too great.”

 

“Then let’s go where it isn’t.”

 

“(Y/N)-“

 

“Now,” you commanded, taking his hand and pulling him along.  He still wouldn’t relent and drop the façade, but you kept on.  People around you were watching with confused stares but you paid them no attention; there was only one person in the entirety of the world that you gave attention to, whether he liked it or not.  Once you reached a secluded area under one of the ornate, pedestrian bridges, the structure had lost its beauty almost immediately.  Your reunion should have been picturesque here, but instead, it was filled with rage, regret, and a searing pain in your heart that you actually hoped might be fatal given the betrayal that came with it. 

 

His illusion slowly faded, and the real man you had known for years was before you; you wanted to let the relief out and hold him so tightly that you would never lose him again. Instead, your tightly closed fists struck his chest with all of your strength, toppling him back against the wall of the bridge.

 

“Dammit, Loki!  I thought you died!  Where the hell have you been?  Do you understand what my life has been since I lost you?”

 

“I should imagine it has been much like my own,” he whispered, his eyes studying every inch of your face. It was like finding water in a desert to him, and he could never fully quench this thirst now that you were here. God, how he wanted to touch you and to feel his own love reciprocated, but he feared that he had ruined it in the mere moments of this unexpected reunion by reacting so poorly.  “Wandering and without purpose, without a home to call mine.”

 

“You could’ve found me!  I was your home, or have you so easily forgotten? I tried to stay and fight with you, but Heimdall refused to allow it because you ordered him to force me away.  He promised me that he would tell you that I had escaped. Did you just choose to ignore that to save your own skin?”

 

“(Y/N),” Loki urged, finally stepping closer, “I thought you dead as well.”

 

“Did you mourn?”

 

A gasp of shock held his mouth agape at the insinuation, and the utter pain you had just caused as if from nowhere.  “What an insensitive question to ask of me,” he snapped.  “You know that I would mourn you like no other.”

 

“I thought I knew you, Loki. But the Loki that I’ve loved for so long would never force me to leave him behind.  He would understand what it would mean for me to fight at his side, even until death.  He would remember that it was our commitment to each other and would never force me to betray it.”

 

“That was not my choice!” he yelled angrily, no longer a care to his volume.  The fire of red filled his cheeks and now you were the one taking a step back.  “The Asgardians who were to survive would need a leader, and that had to be you. Thor and I were bound by duty to remain behind and allow for your escape.  Do not for one moment believe that it had been a decision made lightly, and there was no time for debate.”

 

“Oh, my god, Thor!” you gasped. “Thor would be so relieved to know that you’re alive.  You have no idea what this has done to him.  The years of recovery…” you paused, your mind leaving the moment to replay the destruction that your friend had just begun to overcome.  “Come on, I can take you back to the compound, it will be safe.“

 

“No, it’s not safe for me there. Near you.  I’ve caused you enough pain, (Y/N).  If Thanos were to find me-“

 

“Thanos is dead, Loki.  He’s gone.”

 

“I find that quite difficult to believe, even from you.”

 

“Have you not read the news in the past five years?” you asked.  “The Avengers retrieved the stones from the past and reversed the snap.  They brought everyone back…but the cost…it was higher than anyone anticipated.  We lost Nat, Tony, Cap…essentially, and Vision.”

 

“Why did no one give the mind stone back to the android if you had then?”

 

With a snicker and a roll of your eyes, you thought back to the past years, trying to understand them yourself, and you were there to be a first-hand witness.  Banner and Nebula seemed to have a grip on the concepts, and Tony certainly seemed confident, but the rest of the team appeared to be just going along with directions as given.  “The laws of time are ridiculous.  In fact, they don’t make much sense no matter how many times I try to explain it to myself.”

 

“Actually, they are not quite as precarious as you may have been led to believe.”  Loki looked around at the surroundings once again, precariously reaching into a pocket within his heavy coat.  The glow of blue that emanated from it was unmistakable, and you hurriedly reached out to push his hand away to leave it be.  “Where is the stone now?” he still asked, barely in a whisper, barely audible to you right next to him.

 

“I don’t know for sure…but, Loki…how did you get that?  That’s the Tesseract.  It doesn’t exist.”

 

His brow furrowed, not understanding your meaning.  “It was the strangest blunder on Stark’s part during the battle here in New York-“

 

“No,” you gasped, taking a long step back and away from the man, “then you’re not the Loki that I lost on the Statesman.  You’re the Loki whose will had been bent to the cause for Thanos.  You’re a past version of the man I love who could never do those things now.  Maybe Thor won’t be as relieved as I thought.”

 

“(Y/N), I’ve been here on Earth long enough to understand the man that you lost, that version of me, and I have worked to find him within me during our years apart.  If we can find the mind stone, I will retrieve it, I promise that. I will help with any power that I can to prove to you that I can be the man you lost.  Tell me, does the android’s physical form still exist?”

 

“Yes, he’s buried at the compound.”

 

“Perhaps this can be my repentance for all I’ve done on this planet.  I can bring him back and atone in some small way.”

 

The look in his eyes was that of both excitement and fear but surpassing that was the glimmer of hope he held that this would bring you back to him as well.  It was a look that you had missed for too long, so to hear him offer something that had been seemingly impossible quickly drew you back in to his own form of magic.  “Loki, if you can pull this off, they’ll make you an Avenger yet.  Thor would be so proud.”

 

“No, I seek no untoward recognition.  Only to repay for my past indiscretions that led Thanos to come here at all.  Please, wait here, for me.”

 

“Wait here?” you scoffed. “Have you forgotten who I am so easily? I’m coming with you.  I already lost you once and I won’t do it again, Loki. Just take on your disguise and come home with me.  We can use the resources there to find the stone.”

 

“It would help considerably to have the assistance.  My personal resources have led me to more trouble than reward in the past.”

 

“Yes, I’m familiar with your work. If we see anyone, we can just say you’re my date or something.  Not exactly far from the truth.”

 

“Hmm,” the again disguised Loki smiled hesitantly, “it has been too long, my love.  I have missed that truth.  I only hope that this works so that you can see that I wish for nothing more than to be with you again.  The Loki that you lost is within me to become, and with you at my side it is a promise.”

 

~~~

 

Walking into the compound, with Loki at your side, your nerves were heightened like they hadn’t been in years, though now it was a relief and had been for a good reason.  After that massive battle at the previous version of this very building you had yearned to never feel that fear again.  This wasn’t fear bringing Loki here with you, at least not fear of being caught; it was fear that this crazy plan that you had made up on a whim might be for absolutely nothing other than to crush hopes once again.  It was a fear that this past version of Loki hadn’t changed as he promised he had, and this was one of his tricks concocted by his old self.

 

“FRIDAY,” you spoke quietly out into the common room, “I’m gonna need you to keep a secret, okay?”

 

“Again?”

 

Loki smirked as he listened along, curious now as to what trouble you had come to on your own and without him. He would have to remember to get this story from you when the time was right.

 

“Yes, again.  I need to find the current location of the mind stone.”

 

“The stones were destroyed by Thanos ten years ago.  The Captain returned those taken during the time heist to the point at which they were taken.  In this time, they no longer exist.  (Y/N), I must ask, have you been injured in such a way that your memory has been altered?”

 

“No, I’m fine, FRIDAY, I just…I forgot.  Okay, then where’s Banner right now?”

 

“The doctor is in London, Miss. At an environmental symposium.”

 

“Great, thanks.  Loki,” you turned to him with a satisfied clap of your hands, “we’re going to need a ride to London with that rock in your pocket.”

 

“Why?  This machine just stated quite clearly that the mind stone no longer exists.”

 

“I know.  But Bruce knows time travel.  Tony…” you stopped with a pained choke in your throat, pushing it down quickly, “uh, Tony figured it out.  One quick trip and we’re back in a snap.”

 

Shaking his head in utter disbelief, he dropped his façade and took his true form, taking you aback once again at the sight that you had missed for too many years.  He pulled the Tesseract from his coat and held it tightly in one hand, taking your hand in his other.  “My darling, please be mindful of your choice in words.  There shall be no snapping on this day.”


End file.
